


The Enjoyment Of Jazz

by birds89birds



Series: Shitty vs Cinema [2]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alicia Zimmermann writes an op-ed on the bee movie, Bee Movie References, Crack, M/M, bee movie spoilers, limited knowledge of movies, shitty french based off of author's francophone friends, shitty rants about the bee movie, sorry the op-ed's incomplete i'm lazy, the author has never seen the bee movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:35:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22942642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birds89birds/pseuds/birds89birds
Summary: Lardo asks Jack to ask Shitty about the bee movie.
Relationships: (but they're in the background), Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann, Larissa "Lardo" Duan/Shitty Knight
Series: Shitty vs Cinema [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1648816
Comments: 6
Kudos: 66
Collections: OMGCP Hockey But Fashion Discord





	The Enjoyment Of Jazz

**Author's Note:**

> all french is a mix between google translate and the french i've picked up from my quebecois friends and floundering in french class. translations at end, but can also be inferred from what jack says. i don't know how to do hover text and am too lazy to find out

**Lardo**

>im bored and stoned can you ask  
shitty about the bee movie on the  
group chat

>hes studying right now and could  
use the distraction

>What’s the bee movie?

>ok youre difintly asking now

~~~~~~

**Zack Jimmermann Fan Club**

_Lardo_

>shitty

>your time has come

>bear with me i am a rock

_Shitty_

>my time is always coming

_Lardo_

>jack doesnt know what the bee movie  
is

_Shitty_

>OH MY BEAUTIFUL MANAGERIAL  
MOTHERFUCKER MY TIME HAS   
COME INDEED

>AS FOR YOU OWNER OF THE BEST   
ASS I WILL EVER LAY EYES ON

>PREPARE TO BE E D U C A T E D

_Holster_

>Jesus fucking christ jack

_Ransom_

>you live under like a million rocks bro.

_Lardo_

>repeating

>rock lord

>I’m at a roadie right now and if the   
guys see my phone blow up they’ll not   
stop chirping me.

>They’ll think it’s my “girlfriend”.

_Shitty_

>MORE THE REASON

>THIS IS YOUR PUNISHMENT

_Lardo_

>since we cant personally chirp you  
well get you chirped

>were doing you a favor

>Doesn’t seem like it.

_Shitty_

>WE’RE GETTING OFF-TOPIC

>so the bee movie

>most disturbing piece of   
heteronormativity i’ve seen in recent   
years

>like putting-tits-on-a-duck-level  
heteronormative

_Lardo_

>a Crime

_Shitty_

>Truly

>ok so like it starts really cliche

>”yellow and black yellow and black oh   
black and yellow” bullshittery away

>jerry seinfeld’s a shithead but he   
fucking STOOPED for this shit

>he’s a fucking bee

>A BEE

~~~~~~

**Lardo**

>i forgot he hates this move i youre not  
gonna get s summary from him

>just read it on wikipedia

>Ok.

>it’s fucking wild tho

>What the fuck is this?

>I see why Shitty hates it. Why are  
straight people more ok with a woman  
fucking a literal bee that she met a  
few days before than me dating my  
human, consenting adult boyfriend  
that I’d known for two years before we  
began dating? Only because it’s a  
heterosexual couple? Ugh.

>str8s smh

>Aren’t you straight?

>maybe idk

>but bro you sound like shitty

>he’d be so proud

~~~~~~

**Zack Jimmermann Fan Club**

_Lardo_

>shits

>be proud

_Shitty_

>JACK MY MAN MY MYTH MY  
LEGEND

>I’M SO GLAD YOU AGREE

>Should I regret this?

_Lardo_

>absolutely

_Shitty_

>absolutely NOT

>you know how he tries to sue   
humanity right

>well you CAN’T DO THAT

>you CAN’T

>IT HURTS BOTH MY LAWYER BRAIN   
AND MY DECENT HUMAN BEING   
BRAIN

>BRAH

>Imagine my mom’s reaction to this.

_Lardo_

>do it

_Shitty_

>THAT WOULD BE L E G E N D A R Y

>PLEASE DO THAT

>Fine.

~~~~~~

**Maman**

>Shitty and Lardo want to know your  
opinion on the bee movie.

~~~~~~

**Papa**

>Jack qu’est-ce que tu as foutu

>Ta maman t’écrit actuellement un   
essai

  
  


>Je lui ai demandé ce qu'elle pensait   
du film sur les abeilles.

>Tabarnak Jack

~~~~~~

**Zack Jimmermann Fan Club**

>I asked my mom

>According to my dad she is currently   
“writing a fucking essay”.

>Turns out she feels very strongly  
about this.

_Shitty_

>CONTINUAL EVIDENCE TO ALICIA   
ZIMMERMANN BEING A GODDESS   
ON THIS MISERABLE EARTH

_Lardo_

>this is the blessed timeline

_Ransom_

>holy shit i cant wait.

_Holster_

>This’ll be a riot

_Eric Bittle_

>I had my hands in pizza dough but   
it’s rising now and this has been a  
time to read.

>You’d better send what she says.

_Ransom_

>bitty!!!!

_Holster_

>Bittyyyyyyy

>Hi Bits.

_Nursey_

>Jack rn:

_Lardo_

>good frog

_Shitty_

>BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND

>THE MOTHERFUCKING BEE MOVIE

>so during the trial Barry’s co-counsel   
is baited into ASSAULTING THE   
DEFENSE

>HOLY S H I T

>also there’s a moment where their  
relationship is discussed and yeah

>beastiality

_Lardo_

>apparently that’s ok now

>the str8s decreed

>time to go fuck a goose

_Ransom_

>DONT DO THAT IF YOU KNOW   
WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU!

_Lardo_

>bold of you to assume i know what’s  
good for me

_Holster_

>She has a point

>Lardo I swear to god.

>Please don’t.

_Eric Bittle_

>Do NOT do that.

_Shitty_

>a goose can’t give you consent

>don’t do that

_Lardo_

>fair

_Shitty_

>plus geese are related to ducks  
and thus related to ducklings would  
you fuck a duckling

_Lardo_

>please no

>that’s so curséd

_Eric Bittle_

>Ok good news everyone Lardo is   
NOT going to fornicate with a goose

_Shitty_

>at the same time the biggest issue  
with beastiality is the lack of consent

>but since bees can communicate  
would beastiality be ok?

_Holster_

>NO IT’S A FUCKING INSECT

>Oh my god Shits.

_Lardo_

>we should probably drop this  
conversation

_Ransom_

>yeah probably.

~~~~~~

**Papa**

>Elle est passée à Google Docs,   
regardez ce que vous avez fait.

>Ce n'est pas ma faute.

>C'est de ta faute.

>Ce n'est pas!

>Elle marmonne maintenant sous son   
souffle au sujet des faveurs.

>Haha

>Qu'as-tu fait à ma femme.

>Ta mère.

>Monstre.

~~~~~~

**Zack Jimmermann Fan Club**

>Update on my mom: She has  
switched to Google Docs and is  
muttering under her breath.

_Lardo_

>ohohoho

_Shitty_

>a long one!

>i cannot wait for the masterpiece that   
is about to be jizzed from mama Z’s   
fingertips

_Holster_

>What the fuck.

_Eric Bittle_

>Oh lord.

_Lardo_

>shitty i am driving straight up to   
boston and i will cut off half of every   
single one of your toenails but only  
half so they get caught in your socks

>then i’ll paint them with gel polish so  
you can’t cut them

_Shitty_

>no my toes

_Lardo_

>yes your toeis

_Holster_

>toeis

_Ransom_

>toeis

_Nursey_

>toeis

_Lardo_

>r+h rooming you with the randos

>nursey you’re with dex

_Dex_

>I didn’t do anything to deserve this!

_Lardo_

>a small price to pay

_Holster_

>YOU WOULDN’T

_Ransom_

>YOU’D SEPARATE THE D PAIR

_Holster_

>THE BESTIES

_Ransom_

>THE SQUAD

_Holster_

>THE SQUAD

_Lardo_

>you sent that at the same time

_Ransom_

>so?

_Nursey_

>dex is chill i don’t mind

_Dex_

>NURSE

~~~~~~

**Papa**

>Elle a fini d'écrire.

>Prépare toi

~~~~~~

**Maman**

>Check your email

~~~~~~

**Zack Jimmermann Fan Club**

>It’s here.

>She sent me an Email.

_Shitty_

>AN EMAIL

_Lardo_

>AN EMAIL

_Eric Bittle_

>AN EMAIL???

_Holster_

>AN EMAIL

_Ransom_

>AN EMAIL!

_Chowder_

>AN EMAIL!!!

_Nursey_

>AN EMAIL

_Dex_

>AN EMAIL

_Johnson_

>stop spamming his phone this is hard  
for him to read

_Eric Bittle_

>Oh hi Johnson!

_Johnson_

>anyways gotta jet there’s a nice canon  
divergence i’ve been eyeing

_Eric Bittle_

>Oh? Kay???

  
  


**_Gmail_ **

**Alicia Zimmermann**

To: Jack Zimmermann

**The Bee Movie**

The first thing you need to know about the bee movie is that it mocks B-list movies. These high-ups love to put down B-list actors, which is really awful of them. B-list actors work just as hard, if not harder, than A-list actors for way less pay. They don’t have the money to do all of this crazy stuff so they have to do it all themselves, they’ll even do their own stunts. I was a B-list actress at one point and it is a very difficult task. During that time I was once asked to perform a “favor” for an A-list director to get a role in one of his movies. Yes the favor was sexual in nature. I declined. Women (and men) in positions like that are taken advantage of andit’s in general a horrible thing. The bee movie itself is just Bad. More than a B-list movie should 1) It has a weird poorly anthropomorphized animal, horrible plays on words and a celebrity cameo from someone who was relevant maybe a decade before it was made. As rude as thissounds he became irrelevant for a reason (maybe because he’s a sexist asswipe?). Using “star power” over actual voice acting ability for animated movies is also just awful. Voice acting and the kind of acting I do are two different things and require a different set of skills. I’ll admit I’m an awful voice actor, I have to react to the things around me and i just can’t imagine being a someone without looking like the character and seeing what they see. There is a reason voice actors are professionals.

_read more…_

~~~~~~

**ALICIA ZIMMERMANN IS A GODDESS**

_Shitty_

>SEND IT

>senditsenditsenditsendit

>I forwarded it to y’all

_Ransom_

>did i spy with my little eye a jack  
zimmermann y’all?

  
_Holster_

>FINE

_Ransom_

>ULTRA FINE

>SO MANY FINES

_Shitty_

>JACK BITTY YOU BEAUTIFUL  
MOTHERFUCKERS

>BANGING SO MUCH YOU HAVE  
EACH OTHER’S REGIONAL  
DIALECTS

>metaphorically, i can’t assume  
whether you are actually   
banging or not

_Eric Bittle_

>Let’s NOT go there please

>Shitty.

_Shitty_

>will do my little LGBT icons!

>or at least i think so i can’t say  
that because i’m straight oh  
shit i’m so sorry

_Eric Bittle_

>Shitty. It’s FINE.

_Ransom_

>speaking of fines…

_Holster_

>20 in the sin bin

>Both of you

_Shitty_

>that’s fair you are sappy  
as shit

_Lardo_

>thoughts on the op-ed?

_Shitty_

>what op-ed?

>OH YEAH

>LET ME READ THAT

>JACK YOUR MOM IS  
AMAZING AND I LOVE HER  
OK BYE

_Lardo_

>it’s really good i didn’t expect  
your mom to be so passionate  
about this

_Shitty_

>are you sure your mom’s not a  
gender studies major?

>No. Art.

_Ransom_

>me and holster agree jack  
only has to pay 15$ because he  
has such a swasome mom.

_Dex_

>i thought it was s’wasome

_Nursey_

>nah it’s swasome in texting  
contexts 

_Dex_

>but that makes no sense?!

_Holster_

>NO FIGHTING IN THE GROUP  
CHAT SIN BIN BOTH OF YOU

_Dex_

>FUCK

_Nursey_

>yo dex chill

_Ransom_

>not a word from either of you to  
each other for the next five  
minutes.

>captains’ privileges.

_Dex_

>ok ransom

_Nursey_

>ok holster

_Shitty_

>I cried reading that it was  
beautiful 

_Lardo_

>a work of art

>truly

~~~~~~

**Maman**

>Don’t you ever bring that up  
again.

>Ok maman.

~~~~~~

**Papa**

>Sont-ils heureux maintenant?

>Oui. Très

**Author's Note:**

> APPROXIMATE TRANSLATIONS  
> >Jack qu’est-ce que tu as foutu  
> >Ta maman t’écrit actuellement un essai  
> >Je lui ai demandé ce qu'elle pensait du film sur les abeilles.  
> >Tabarnak Jack
> 
> > Jack what the hell are you doing  
> > Your mom is currently writing you an essay  
> > I asked her what she thought of the bee movie  
> > Fuck, Jack
> 
> >Elle est passée à Google Docs,  
> regardez ce que vous avez fait.
> 
> >Ce n'est pas ma faute.
> 
> >C'est de ta faute.
> 
> >Ce n'est pas!
> 
> >Elle marmonne maintenant sous son  
> souffle au sujet des faveurs.
> 
> >Haha
> 
> >Qu'as-tu fait à ma femme.  
> >Ta mère.  
> >Monstre.
> 
> > She switched to Google Docs,  
> Look at what you did.
> 
> > It's not my fault.
> 
> > It's your fault.
> 
> > It's not!
> 
> > She's now mumbling under her  
> breath about favors.
> 
> > Haha
> 
> > What did you do to my wife.  
> > Your mother.  
> > Monster.
> 
> >Elle a fini d'écrire.  
> >Prépare toi
> 
> >She finished writing.  
> >Prepare yourself.
> 
> >Sont-ils heureux maintenant?
> 
> >Oui. Très.
> 
> >Are they happy now?
> 
> >Yes. Very.


End file.
